new site

I'll be posting under http://fancycomedy.com from now on mostly. I'll still have Texas posts, they'll be tagged as such.

miss you!

landon

Well GOOOOAAARRRSSHHH, I just don't know who to vote fer!

So eyes are on Texas and Ohio now as the primary approaches and naturally more and more ads are running with greater frequency.



Well, thanks Hillary. I don't know why she didn't just go the extra mile and hire Sam Elliot or maybe just a talking cow to speak to Texans.

Now, this isn't the only ad she's running down here, but even so I can't shake the feeling that I'm being talked down to when someone tries to relate to people using stereotypes and contrivances. Yes, I live in Texas...but I certainly don't bail hay.

The Best Little Icehouse in Texas

Hey everyone (all three of you)! In case you missed it or have the luxury to not live in Dallas, Goforth contributor Andrea Grimes just wrote this great piece on a fantastic Texas institution, Fuel City. It's one of those few bright shining beacons in the wasteland of the metroplex. Seriously it's like Mad Max out here.
Read it HERE!!

Texas Tubes

Chicago and Texas are very far apart. Look, here's a map:


And they're not getting any closer together, except for the Internet.

The Internet! Fabulous wonder of nature, sketched from a dream and hammered together with destiny-nails.
The Internet! The only thing that could bring all the racists of the world together under one techno-blanket, and give them all the power to crochet different epithets into that blanket.
The Internet! A vast bridge made of wikis and googles and iEverythings that connects Chicago to a place I came from not too long ago, Texas.

Even since I left Texas two years ago the Internet has grown in size and ferocity. Why, my own name has gone from bringing up 8 hits to bringing up over 200! Hits! And isn't it funny that we call it a "hit"? Why don't we call them "soft rubs" instead? Try it. "Mmmm, my web-site has conjured over 350 soft rubs." That feels good, doesn't it?

Through magic invisible tubes I am able to visit Texan friends daily on the Internet. And what visits they are! Instead of "touching" and "speaking with voices that issue from faces" I click on a colorful button and see pictures of them from as recently as 2 months ago! And with myspace technology, those pictures are not only hard to see and difficult to access, but sometimes they disappear altogether! Oh, the pleasures of myspace. Think of the root words ("my" and "space", for all you un-literates) and think of the generosity they imply. Think of the hours I could have wasted "hanging out" with my friends, when I can now instantly (slowly) assimilate information about my "friends"! Bless you, Tom.

Who needs physical Texas, when virtual Texas is a virtual stone's virtual throw virtually away? I never need to see the 10,000 stars available in Texas when I can go to Second Life and, I don't know, buy some shit that isn't even real!

Why would I ever need...you know what? You get the point.

Football for Dummies

Ladies: Dust off your foamy #1 fingers, iron out those oversized jerseys, lube the Lazyboy, and find your noisemakers. Remember, as with all fan gear, the more obnoxious, the better! Now...hand it all over to your husband and/or boyfriend! It's about that time! With football season right around the corner, I felt it would be very helpful to offer the definitions to some of the terminology that you'll hear coming from the living room, while you're in the kitchen preparing those chicken salad sandwiches & styrofoam cups of generic cola.

I don't claim to be an expert but being raised in a household full of men (wolves) and later being a common law wife & homemaker to two men on separate stages in my life, I'm pretty sure that I've got a good grasp of the vernacular. Again, these are loosely translated. As you make your occasional trip to the television during the game, you can nod accordingly, knowingly, and confidently. Lace 'em up, ladies. You're about to be informed.

1. Offsides - Not inside the playing field. Seems like a big hangout spot to me. Bunch of guys just standing there, staring and picking their noses.

2. Sacking - Victorious after-game shower room horseplay. Boys will be boys, I guess.

3. Chop blocking - (racial slur) Always mistaking a big Asian person for being Somoan or "Hawaiian". Oh, and they're in your way, of course.

4. Unnecessary roughness - Exceeding the acceptable amount of roughness. More than enough pain per person. Ample hurt. Humiliation doesn't count since it's personal error.

5. Holding - I still don't understand how this is a bad thing. Ladies, am I right or what?!

6. Hail Mary - Leave it to a man to wait to the last second to ask for a woman's help. Again, Ladies, am I right or what?! I'll answer that one --- YES!

7. "44 stack" - A defensive move meant to intimidate the smaller chested cheerleaders of the opposing team.

8. Intentional grounding - Tactfully and gradually benching your starting lineup to make way for younger, hungrier (cheaper) players that are in no way of nearing their salary cap. Intentional grounding leads to eventual firing. Same thing happened to me when I worked at Family Dollar, kind of.

9. Trip left/right - Self explanatory. Always embarrassing, but not so much if it's only on FOX. Less viewers.

10. There is no ten. I took you this far. Seriously, you just gotta think about it and then you'll figure it out.


Go Cowboys!! Go Texans!! Go...Oilers!? Hmm...gotta ask my hubby about that last one...

Oil Fields and Luxury Suites: A Hardscrabble Tale of Wonder and Woe

I'll have to admit that this is my blogging debut. I don't want to blog. I don't want to be a blogger. I prefer to think of this as a Bulletin Board System established by my nerdy friend Landon. I love BBSs, and I'm happy to post using my trusted 1949 IBM Electro-Sort Portable Compubot.

I just returned from Texas the Marvellous back to my current residence in Brooklyn. I took a splendid tour through Houston, Fredericksburg, and Austin. I ate painful amounts of barbecue from Pizzatola's, Chicken Fried Steak from Hickory Hollow (I ordered the medium) as well as Hill's Cafe, tex-mex from all over, Shipley's Do-Nuts, and Madam Ma'am's Thai food. I swam in Sculpture Falls in the Green Belt. I ran around Memorial Park. I rented a .357 Magnum at Red's Pistol Range and had some fun with my brother and his unmentionable firearm. I had a rockabilly sing-a-long with old friends. I can go on, but I just want to make the point that I really did the deal.



Those things are characteristically "Texas". They are the things I would tell an outsider to do for a taste of life in Texas. Yet, those things have little to do with why I love my homeland so. No, my love for Texas has more to do with a sexual fetish for big hair. I won't go into it now.

I want to use this forum to tell you about an opportunity you can't afford to miss. My trusted friend Jerry Rose has joined the Palm Lending team as a senior mortgage consultant. If you're looking for a home loan and need help finding the best rate, call my pal Jerry at (512) 358-0790 or you can easily fax him at (512) 716-8016. Tell 'em Michael sent ya.

Sincerely,
Michael Haertlein

Texas Radio and the Big Beat

There's something interesting happening with radio in Texas, and it has nothing to do with college or or public stations. We're talking full on big time commercial radio. Clear Channel even.
It's Lonestar 92.5 and it used to be DFW's go to classic rock station. A few months ago though, they did a format tweak that some would call an overhaul. Now they play outlaw country, alt country, rock, classic rock, folk, singer songwriter and according to Willie's voiceover on the website, "a lot of other names that don't make any sense."
And they do it all without commercials. Kinda.
The sponsors buy time by the hour or so, and the DJ's work in their name and advertisements on the air in the small breaks they do take. It's a small price to pay for the amount of diversity in the playlist. Here's the last ten songs they played just now...

I THINK I LOVE YOU TOO Jeff Healey Band

Against the Wind Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band

BANG MY HEAD Cross Canadian Ragweed

Can't Find My Way Home Blind Faith

BIG TEN INCH Aerosmith

Peace Pipe Cry of Love

Down Home Girl Old Crow Medicine Show

Slow Turning John Hiatt

PAY NO MIND IAN MOORE

Dear Mr. Fantasy Traffic

....
Traffic to Old Crow Medicine Show in less than 4 steps. Plus they play a lot of some of my favorite bands that I never thought I'd ever hear on the radio. Like the Drive By Truckers, and Wilco. Not exactly obscure stuff...but that's the point. There's tons of music that is by no means underground, yet is consistently relegated to college radio.
So does this equal a sea change for the face of radio itself?
Probably not.
The on air commercial announcements have increased slightly since I first started listening, and the station promos are fairly heavy as well. But they probably just want to remind people who they are listening to...those same people that complain that their classic rock station has "gone country." Even if that country is inhabited by Willie, Waylon, Billy Joe and everyone else that makes or has made some of the best music to come from our great state.
Not to mention the bands that even non-hillbillies might enjoy despite the ill-fitting labels. Bands like Son Volt, the aforementioned 'Truckers, and Todd Snider.
Oh well, you can't force feed people good music. Even if it is in your own backyard.
So goes the cardboard, vapid population of Dallas.


GoForth, Texas...and ROCK!