Saturday, July 21, 2007

Texas-size Me

Everything is bigger in Texas, and that includes our people. Obesity is a huge issue right now. Taking 4 out of the top 10 spots for the fattest cities in the U.S. this year, in a very John Stossel voice it’s got me asking, “What’s the big deal?” What are the fat chances that we can beat this epidemic? We’ve got a big problem, and it’s not puny.

Tipping the scale this year, according to Men’s Fitness magazine:
1. Las Vegas
2. San Antonio
3. Miami
4. Mesa, AZ
5. Los Angeles
6. Houston
7. Dallas
8. El Paso
9. Detroit
10. San Jose

Some state officials would argue that it’s due to the lack of implementing physical activities in our school system and community programs. Well, that may be the case for some. Poor kiddies only have their parents to blame. Also, it’s been said that we don’t have enough city parks throughout the state. Hmm…would that really help? A park is just a place where you don’t feel pressured to buy anything, I think. Isn’t everywhere a place to exercise, if you make it that way? Tell Bruce Lee you can’t exercise while you read this blog at your computer. His pinky toe can show you some muscle contractions that you could do while you’re just sitting there, but first it has to finish crushing cinder blocks – for fun!

I’ve done the research, which means I’ve lived in Texas most of my life. I know why we’re big. I’m very familiar with the culprits of our current situation. I can tell you firsthand that the food is big and the food is delicious! Try to come at me without cheese in my burger. Hell, you may as well spit in my face. Assume I’m not gonna dip my pizza in ranch dressing? I oughta shove my boot up your pooper. Oh, and, super nachos are not just for lovers anymore. Why don’t you just climb back on the horse that you rode in on and make your way to city no. 11?! Ugh…I’m so sorry. I haven’t eaten yet today and I tend to get quite peckish.

I could go on an on about great places to eat around Texas. I could spotlight signature dishes from the Panhandle to the Gulf of Mexico. Instead, let’s just look at some pictures of burgers.





‘Member this guy? He’s your traditional burger. No frills. It’s the Gary Sinise of burgers. He’s just here to get the job done, assuming it’s not a challenging role.




A true oxymoron – the healthy burger. Yawn. This pretentious burger will guilt you before eating it. This burger would rather be doing yoga right now.





If we are what we eat, then we know how J.Lo got her big buns.



Ahh, the Patriotic Burger – The Texas Double Whopper by Burger King. Like the mud flags on it’s Ford F-250 Super Duty states, it support the troops.






This burger looks like it hates itself. It practically vomits cheese.





Yeah! Take that mouth!






Whoa! Get a room!




Sorry that some of these were so graphic. I should’ve warned you. Bad blogger, bad! Take care, folks!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Jim S. Adler


Jim Adler is a lawyer who has been advertising on television since I was a kid. He's extremely intimidating, and he likes to yell at the camera about how he's the "tough, smart, TEXAS lawyer."

In my mind, there are no other lawyers.



How can there be when he presents this infallible image of lawyer as linebacker, "The Texas Hammer," standing majestically in the grand foyer of his office (or is it a train station?) drawing the eye to make the not-so-subtle comparison to the background of Old Glory or the head of a bald eagle staring proudly into the west. All to the tune of "Gonna Fly Now" from Rocky. These images come from his website and, hilariously, his myspace page. Most notably in his top friends? Houston pop station 104 KRBE, and the band Blue October. I'm sure he's calling in requesting "Into the Ocean" for the Top 5 at Nine.
And the comments on his page are nothing short of fascinating. I'll highlight, " WUZHATNIN JIMMY!? LOVE THE COMMERCIALS BRUH! cant wait for the next one. latuh!" and, "Stopping by to say HELLO, Mr. Adler." to give an example of the range. Also there are apparently quite a few lawyers on myspace...leads me to wonder if Jim Adler is the top dog leading this quiet revolution.

Speaking of revolution...


Obviously, at some point someone figured they might try to soften his image...hence the above little jewel. Maybe if Jim interacts with some animated friends, it'll take him away from his surly initial appearence and appeal to more people with "catastropic" injuries.
Worked for Bob Hoskins.

GoForth, Texas...and SUE!













Texas is like New York, all good things that people say about it are true. All the bad things are also true. Having been a Texas ex-pat for nearly seven years and then returning to the land of my birth, I feel some kind of responsibility to all things here, good and bad.
There is a reason for the blind pride. I hope to illuminate it.

GoForth, Texas!