The Best Little Icehouse in Texas

Hey everyone (all three of you)! In case you missed it or have the luxury to not live in Dallas, Goforth contributor Andrea Grimes just wrote this great piece on a fantastic Texas institution, Fuel City. It's one of those few bright shining beacons in the wasteland of the metroplex. Seriously it's like Mad Max out here.
Read it HERE!!

Texas Tubes

Chicago and Texas are very far apart. Look, here's a map:


And they're not getting any closer together, except for the Internet.

The Internet! Fabulous wonder of nature, sketched from a dream and hammered together with destiny-nails.
The Internet! The only thing that could bring all the racists of the world together under one techno-blanket, and give them all the power to crochet different epithets into that blanket.
The Internet! A vast bridge made of wikis and googles and iEverythings that connects Chicago to a place I came from not too long ago, Texas.

Even since I left Texas two years ago the Internet has grown in size and ferocity. Why, my own name has gone from bringing up 8 hits to bringing up over 200! Hits! And isn't it funny that we call it a "hit"? Why don't we call them "soft rubs" instead? Try it. "Mmmm, my web-site has conjured over 350 soft rubs." That feels good, doesn't it?

Through magic invisible tubes I am able to visit Texan friends daily on the Internet. And what visits they are! Instead of "touching" and "speaking with voices that issue from faces" I click on a colorful button and see pictures of them from as recently as 2 months ago! And with myspace technology, those pictures are not only hard to see and difficult to access, but sometimes they disappear altogether! Oh, the pleasures of myspace. Think of the root words ("my" and "space", for all you un-literates) and think of the generosity they imply. Think of the hours I could have wasted "hanging out" with my friends, when I can now instantly (slowly) assimilate information about my "friends"! Bless you, Tom.

Who needs physical Texas, when virtual Texas is a virtual stone's virtual throw virtually away? I never need to see the 10,000 stars available in Texas when I can go to Second Life and, I don't know, buy some shit that isn't even real!

Why would I ever need...you know what? You get the point.

Football for Dummies

Ladies: Dust off your foamy #1 fingers, iron out those oversized jerseys, lube the Lazyboy, and find your noisemakers. Remember, as with all fan gear, the more obnoxious, the better! Now...hand it all over to your husband and/or boyfriend! It's about that time! With football season right around the corner, I felt it would be very helpful to offer the definitions to some of the terminology that you'll hear coming from the living room, while you're in the kitchen preparing those chicken salad sandwiches & styrofoam cups of generic cola.

I don't claim to be an expert but being raised in a household full of men (wolves) and later being a common law wife & homemaker to two men on separate stages in my life, I'm pretty sure that I've got a good grasp of the vernacular. Again, these are loosely translated. As you make your occasional trip to the television during the game, you can nod accordingly, knowingly, and confidently. Lace 'em up, ladies. You're about to be informed.

1. Offsides - Not inside the playing field. Seems like a big hangout spot to me. Bunch of guys just standing there, staring and picking their noses.

2. Sacking - Victorious after-game shower room horseplay. Boys will be boys, I guess.

3. Chop blocking - (racial slur) Always mistaking a big Asian person for being Somoan or "Hawaiian". Oh, and they're in your way, of course.

4. Unnecessary roughness - Exceeding the acceptable amount of roughness. More than enough pain per person. Ample hurt. Humiliation doesn't count since it's personal error.

5. Holding - I still don't understand how this is a bad thing. Ladies, am I right or what?!

6. Hail Mary - Leave it to a man to wait to the last second to ask for a woman's help. Again, Ladies, am I right or what?! I'll answer that one --- YES!

7. "44 stack" - A defensive move meant to intimidate the smaller chested cheerleaders of the opposing team.

8. Intentional grounding - Tactfully and gradually benching your starting lineup to make way for younger, hungrier (cheaper) players that are in no way of nearing their salary cap. Intentional grounding leads to eventual firing. Same thing happened to me when I worked at Family Dollar, kind of.

9. Trip left/right - Self explanatory. Always embarrassing, but not so much if it's only on FOX. Less viewers.

10. There is no ten. I took you this far. Seriously, you just gotta think about it and then you'll figure it out.


Go Cowboys!! Go Texans!! Go...Oilers!? Hmm...gotta ask my hubby about that last one...