The Best Little Icehouse in Texas

Hey everyone (all three of you)! In case you missed it or have the luxury to not live in Dallas, Goforth contributor Andrea Grimes just wrote this great piece on a fantastic Texas institution, Fuel City. It's one of those few bright shining beacons in the wasteland of the metroplex. Seriously it's like Mad Max out here.
Read it HERE!!

Texas Tubes

Chicago and Texas are very far apart. Look, here's a map:


And they're not getting any closer together, except for the Internet.

The Internet! Fabulous wonder of nature, sketched from a dream and hammered together with destiny-nails.
The Internet! The only thing that could bring all the racists of the world together under one techno-blanket, and give them all the power to crochet different epithets into that blanket.
The Internet! A vast bridge made of wikis and googles and iEverythings that connects Chicago to a place I came from not too long ago, Texas.

Even since I left Texas two years ago the Internet has grown in size and ferocity. Why, my own name has gone from bringing up 8 hits to bringing up over 200! Hits! And isn't it funny that we call it a "hit"? Why don't we call them "soft rubs" instead? Try it. "Mmmm, my web-site has conjured over 350 soft rubs." That feels good, doesn't it?

Through magic invisible tubes I am able to visit Texan friends daily on the Internet. And what visits they are! Instead of "touching" and "speaking with voices that issue from faces" I click on a colorful button and see pictures of them from as recently as 2 months ago! And with myspace technology, those pictures are not only hard to see and difficult to access, but sometimes they disappear altogether! Oh, the pleasures of myspace. Think of the root words ("my" and "space", for all you un-literates) and think of the generosity they imply. Think of the hours I could have wasted "hanging out" with my friends, when I can now instantly (slowly) assimilate information about my "friends"! Bless you, Tom.

Who needs physical Texas, when virtual Texas is a virtual stone's virtual throw virtually away? I never need to see the 10,000 stars available in Texas when I can go to Second Life and, I don't know, buy some shit that isn't even real!

Why would I ever need...you know what? You get the point.

Football for Dummies

Ladies: Dust off your foamy #1 fingers, iron out those oversized jerseys, lube the Lazyboy, and find your noisemakers. Remember, as with all fan gear, the more obnoxious, the better! Now...hand it all over to your husband and/or boyfriend! It's about that time! With football season right around the corner, I felt it would be very helpful to offer the definitions to some of the terminology that you'll hear coming from the living room, while you're in the kitchen preparing those chicken salad sandwiches & styrofoam cups of generic cola.

I don't claim to be an expert but being raised in a household full of men (wolves) and later being a common law wife & homemaker to two men on separate stages in my life, I'm pretty sure that I've got a good grasp of the vernacular. Again, these are loosely translated. As you make your occasional trip to the television during the game, you can nod accordingly, knowingly, and confidently. Lace 'em up, ladies. You're about to be informed.

1. Offsides - Not inside the playing field. Seems like a big hangout spot to me. Bunch of guys just standing there, staring and picking their noses.

2. Sacking - Victorious after-game shower room horseplay. Boys will be boys, I guess.

3. Chop blocking - (racial slur) Always mistaking a big Asian person for being Somoan or "Hawaiian". Oh, and they're in your way, of course.

4. Unnecessary roughness - Exceeding the acceptable amount of roughness. More than enough pain per person. Ample hurt. Humiliation doesn't count since it's personal error.

5. Holding - I still don't understand how this is a bad thing. Ladies, am I right or what?!

6. Hail Mary - Leave it to a man to wait to the last second to ask for a woman's help. Again, Ladies, am I right or what?! I'll answer that one --- YES!

7. "44 stack" - A defensive move meant to intimidate the smaller chested cheerleaders of the opposing team.

8. Intentional grounding - Tactfully and gradually benching your starting lineup to make way for younger, hungrier (cheaper) players that are in no way of nearing their salary cap. Intentional grounding leads to eventual firing. Same thing happened to me when I worked at Family Dollar, kind of.

9. Trip left/right - Self explanatory. Always embarrassing, but not so much if it's only on FOX. Less viewers.

10. There is no ten. I took you this far. Seriously, you just gotta think about it and then you'll figure it out.


Go Cowboys!! Go Texans!! Go...Oilers!? Hmm...gotta ask my hubby about that last one...

Oil Fields and Luxury Suites: A Hardscrabble Tale of Wonder and Woe

I'll have to admit that this is my blogging debut. I don't want to blog. I don't want to be a blogger. I prefer to think of this as a Bulletin Board System established by my nerdy friend Landon. I love BBSs, and I'm happy to post using my trusted 1949 IBM Electro-Sort Portable Compubot.

I just returned from Texas the Marvellous back to my current residence in Brooklyn. I took a splendid tour through Houston, Fredericksburg, and Austin. I ate painful amounts of barbecue from Pizzatola's, Chicken Fried Steak from Hickory Hollow (I ordered the medium) as well as Hill's Cafe, tex-mex from all over, Shipley's Do-Nuts, and Madam Ma'am's Thai food. I swam in Sculpture Falls in the Green Belt. I ran around Memorial Park. I rented a .357 Magnum at Red's Pistol Range and had some fun with my brother and his unmentionable firearm. I had a rockabilly sing-a-long with old friends. I can go on, but I just want to make the point that I really did the deal.



Those things are characteristically "Texas". They are the things I would tell an outsider to do for a taste of life in Texas. Yet, those things have little to do with why I love my homeland so. No, my love for Texas has more to do with a sexual fetish for big hair. I won't go into it now.

I want to use this forum to tell you about an opportunity you can't afford to miss. My trusted friend Jerry Rose has joined the Palm Lending team as a senior mortgage consultant. If you're looking for a home loan and need help finding the best rate, call my pal Jerry at (512) 358-0790 or you can easily fax him at (512) 716-8016. Tell 'em Michael sent ya.

Sincerely,
Michael Haertlein

Texas Radio and the Big Beat

There's something interesting happening with radio in Texas, and it has nothing to do with college or or public stations. We're talking full on big time commercial radio. Clear Channel even.
It's Lonestar 92.5 and it used to be DFW's go to classic rock station. A few months ago though, they did a format tweak that some would call an overhaul. Now they play outlaw country, alt country, rock, classic rock, folk, singer songwriter and according to Willie's voiceover on the website, "a lot of other names that don't make any sense."
And they do it all without commercials. Kinda.
The sponsors buy time by the hour or so, and the DJ's work in their name and advertisements on the air in the small breaks they do take. It's a small price to pay for the amount of diversity in the playlist. Here's the last ten songs they played just now...

I THINK I LOVE YOU TOO Jeff Healey Band

Against the Wind Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band

BANG MY HEAD Cross Canadian Ragweed

Can't Find My Way Home Blind Faith

BIG TEN INCH Aerosmith

Peace Pipe Cry of Love

Down Home Girl Old Crow Medicine Show

Slow Turning John Hiatt

PAY NO MIND IAN MOORE

Dear Mr. Fantasy Traffic

....
Traffic to Old Crow Medicine Show in less than 4 steps. Plus they play a lot of some of my favorite bands that I never thought I'd ever hear on the radio. Like the Drive By Truckers, and Wilco. Not exactly obscure stuff...but that's the point. There's tons of music that is by no means underground, yet is consistently relegated to college radio.
So does this equal a sea change for the face of radio itself?
Probably not.
The on air commercial announcements have increased slightly since I first started listening, and the station promos are fairly heavy as well. But they probably just want to remind people who they are listening to...those same people that complain that their classic rock station has "gone country." Even if that country is inhabited by Willie, Waylon, Billy Joe and everyone else that makes or has made some of the best music to come from our great state.
Not to mention the bands that even non-hillbillies might enjoy despite the ill-fitting labels. Bands like Son Volt, the aforementioned 'Truckers, and Todd Snider.
Oh well, you can't force feed people good music. Even if it is in your own backyard.
So goes the cardboard, vapid population of Dallas.


GoForth, Texas...and ROCK!

Texas-size Me

Everything is bigger in Texas, and that includes our people. Obesity is a huge issue right now. Taking 4 out of the top 10 spots for the fattest cities in the U.S. this year, in a very John Stossel voice it’s got me asking, “What’s the big deal?” What are the fat chances that we can beat this epidemic? We’ve got a big problem, and it’s not puny.

Tipping the scale this year, according to Men’s Fitness magazine:
1. Las Vegas
2. San Antonio
3. Miami
4. Mesa, AZ
5. Los Angeles
6. Houston
7. Dallas
8. El Paso
9. Detroit
10. San Jose

Some state officials would argue that it’s due to the lack of implementing physical activities in our school system and community programs. Well, that may be the case for some. Poor kiddies only have their parents to blame. Also, it’s been said that we don’t have enough city parks throughout the state. Hmm…would that really help? A park is just a place where you don’t feel pressured to buy anything, I think. Isn’t everywhere a place to exercise, if you make it that way? Tell Bruce Lee you can’t exercise while you read this blog at your computer. His pinky toe can show you some muscle contractions that you could do while you’re just sitting there, but first it has to finish crushing cinder blocks – for fun!

I’ve done the research, which means I’ve lived in Texas most of my life. I know why we’re big. I’m very familiar with the culprits of our current situation. I can tell you firsthand that the food is big and the food is delicious! Try to come at me without cheese in my burger. Hell, you may as well spit in my face. Assume I’m not gonna dip my pizza in ranch dressing? I oughta shove my boot up your pooper. Oh, and, super nachos are not just for lovers anymore. Why don’t you just climb back on the horse that you rode in on and make your way to city no. 11?! Ugh…I’m so sorry. I haven’t eaten yet today and I tend to get quite peckish.

I could go on an on about great places to eat around Texas. I could spotlight signature dishes from the Panhandle to the Gulf of Mexico. Instead, let’s just look at some pictures of burgers.

‘Member this guy? He’s your traditional burger. No frills. It’s the Gary Sinise of burgers. He’s just here to get the job done, assuming it’s not a challenging role.

A true oxymoron – the healthy burger. Yawn. This pretentious burger will guilt you before eating it. This burger would rather be doing yoga right now.

If we are what we eat, then we know how J.Lo got her big buns.

Ahh, the Patriotic Burger – The Texas Double Whopper by Burger King. Like the mud flags on it’s Ford F-250 Super Duty states, it support the troops.

This burger looks like it hates itself. It practically vomits cheese.

Yeah! Take that mouth!

Whoa! Get a room!

Sorry that some of these were so graphic. I should’ve warned you. Bad blogger, bad! Take care, folks!

Jim S. Adler

Jim Adler is a lawyer who has been advertising on television since I was a kid. He's extremely intimidating, and he likes to yell at the camera about how he's the "tough, smart, TEXAS lawyer."

In my mind, there are no other lawyers.



How can there be when he presents this infallible image of lawyer as linebacker, "The Texas Hammer," standing majestically in the grand foyer of his office (or is it a train station?) drawing the eye to make the not-so-subtle comparison to the background of Old Glory or the head of a bald eagle staring proudly into the west. All to the tune of "Gonna Fly Now" from Rocky. These images come from his website and, hilariously, his myspace page. Most notably in his top friends? Houston pop station 104 KRBE, and the band Blue October. I'm sure he's calling in requesting "Into the Ocean" for the Top 5 at Nine.
And the comments on his page are nothing short of fascinating. I'll highlight, " WUZHATNIN JIMMY!? LOVE THE COMMERCIALS BRUH! cant wait for the next one. latuh!" and, "Stopping by to say HELLO, Mr. Adler." to give an example of the range. Also there are apparently quite a few lawyers on myspace...leads me to wonder if Jim Adler is the top dog leading this quiet revolution.

Speaking of revolution...


Obviously, at some point someone figured they might try to soften his image...hence the above little jewel. Maybe if Jim interacts with some animated friends, it'll take him away from his surly initial appearence and appeal to more people with "catastropic" injuries.
Worked for Bob Hoskins.

GoForth, Texas...and SUE!

Texas is like New York, all good things that people say about it are true. All the bad things are also true. Having been a Texas ex-pat for nearly seven years and then returning to the land of my birth, I feel some kind of responsibility to all things here, good and bad.
There is a reason for the blind pride. I hope to illuminate it.

GoForth, Texas!