Football for Dummies

Ladies: Dust off your foamy #1 fingers, iron out those oversized jerseys, lube the Lazyboy, and find your noisemakers. Remember, as with all fan gear, the more obnoxious, the better! Now...hand it all over to your husband and/or boyfriend! It's about that time! With football season right around the corner, I felt it would be very helpful to offer the definitions to some of the terminology that you'll hear coming from the living room, while you're in the kitchen preparing those chicken salad sandwiches & styrofoam cups of generic cola.

I don't claim to be an expert but being raised in a household full of men (wolves) and later being a common law wife & homemaker to two men on separate stages in my life, I'm pretty sure that I've got a good grasp of the vernacular. Again, these are loosely translated. As you make your occasional trip to the television during the game, you can nod accordingly, knowingly, and confidently. Lace 'em up, ladies. You're about to be informed.

1. Offsides - Not inside the playing field. Seems like a big hangout spot to me. Bunch of guys just standing there, staring and picking their noses.

2. Sacking - Victorious after-game shower room horseplay. Boys will be boys, I guess.

3. Chop blocking - (racial slur) Always mistaking a big Asian person for being Somoan or "Hawaiian". Oh, and they're in your way, of course.

4. Unnecessary roughness - Exceeding the acceptable amount of roughness. More than enough pain per person. Ample hurt. Humiliation doesn't count since it's personal error.

5. Holding - I still don't understand how this is a bad thing. Ladies, am I right or what?!

6. Hail Mary - Leave it to a man to wait to the last second to ask for a woman's help. Again, Ladies, am I right or what?! I'll answer that one --- YES!

7. "44 stack" - A defensive move meant to intimidate the smaller chested cheerleaders of the opposing team.

8. Intentional grounding - Tactfully and gradually benching your starting lineup to make way for younger, hungrier (cheaper) players that are in no way of nearing their salary cap. Intentional grounding leads to eventual firing. Same thing happened to me when I worked at Family Dollar, kind of.

9. Trip left/right - Self explanatory. Always embarrassing, but not so much if it's only on FOX. Less viewers.

10. There is no ten. I took you this far. Seriously, you just gotta think about it and then you'll figure it out.


Go Cowboys!! Go Texans!! Go...Oilers!? Hmm...gotta ask my hubby about that last one...